Son of a Bitch, That Hurt

Today was my first visit with the physical therapist. I can sum up our appointment with one word: OUCH.

I was under the impression I was going to be given a few exercises to do at home over the next few weeks. Boy howdy was I wrong. After an initial talk, lots of history shared and a quick exam I was told I have deep tissue damage all around my knee.

How does one cure such damage you ask? By crawling onto an exam table face down with one leg on the ground and one wrapped around said table. With one leg on the table, the back of your thigh and knee cap is exposed- and I assure you, severe pain will follow. Im talking the full body weight of your therapist pressing into the tenderest of all spots- grabbing at the skin and moving it around so fiercely the only pain you can equate it to is a serious Indian rug burn. When this is over and the tears are dried, the therapist will ask you to roll over onto your back and she will proceed to administer the same flesh grabbing, knee cap twisting pain to the second most tender spots all around your knee cap. She will look at you with pain in her eyes and apologize profusely as she continues to grab at your skin, reach under your knee cap and twist your muscles so bad you start to cry again. She will feel sorry for you but forge onward- for FORTY FIVE MINUTES.

She will tell you when its all said and done that it will feel like you have bruising inside your muscles and that you may need up to 1000 mg of Ibuprofen to sleep that night and that ice and heat will help with the swelling.

You will hate her for all of this but know she is just doing her job. You will still be inclined to imagine kicking her in her shins.

I am supposed to do the same stretching and massaging to myself every night for 5-10 minutes and next Thursday I will go back to confirm whether or not weve been able to make any changes pr progress. The woman I saw said that she has never worked on such tender or tight tissues and she can say with her utmost professional experience, nothing but surgery will fix me.

Surgery, please come sooner. And please, someone give me pain pills before next Thursdays session of the same agonizing procedure. Anything really.